The Independent Streak - many admire it in people, many respect it, many think it is arrogance, many others think it is an aberration. I was brought up to be independent all along. Independent meaning, being self reliant, doing things myself, learning to live life without bothering, disturbing and being a worry to people around me.
Parents in the Indian demographic have been bringing up children in a nuclear set up. They are nurtured and motivated to do things themselves, take decisions on finances and career, commute and make life decisions. They are introduced to business, savings, dress and life choices very early in life. For me, I was brought up to be independent all along. Independent meaning, being self reliant, doing things myself, learning to live life without bothering, disturbing and being a worry to people around me. I was asked to do things myself by my parents, fight my own battles, go buy things, take decisions on my pocket money, to go to school riding my cycle the day my dad grew tired of me when I missed the school bus. I used to go to his office on all weekends, school holidays, learn to write accounts, showed me the different sides to the business. He was checking waters to see if I had it in me till one day he did everything to dissuade me from running a business. Looking back, the first time the independent streak in me I guess got strong was when my dad had his heart attack. Inside that dimly lit ICU, seeing my father connected to those beeping machines, a scary world I never knew existed at 19, my dad handed me a letter. He told me he had written things on what was where and how he wanted things handled and asked me to read it alone. I came out with the note and when my mom asked what it was, I realized she didn't know what was written. I read the note with her sitting next to me. It detailed finances and what he wanted. I refused to divulge anything about it to anyone else and held on to that note for a long time. After that, my dad always spoke to me about how he wanted things done. He always reminded me that there is a will and if anything, I should follow that will which I promised him I will follow every word and I know I will. Same with my mom - she had discussed with me what she wanted about our home as well as relations. I am keeping promises I made to my mom the best I can keeping in mind the best interests of the living. The parts I couldn't keep and maybe I will not be able to keep, I know I will have to answer her the day we meet. All the time both of them reinforced that one should not be a burden on anyone. That is what made the parts of me where I just pick up and do it myself and look at finishing up things. Even at times when things would surely have been easier if I had asked for help.
Having parents with an independent streak, it gets into your pores easily I guess. Whenever dad fell ill, he reminded me what he wanted and I promised him I will follow it to the word no matter what. I know I will.
Dad had discussed with me about a life alone through middle and old age when I told him I wasn't thinking of marriage. Then I got married. He discussed with me on what he wanted done. Then, through and when the time for me to have children passed, the discussion happened again. I think he saw the me I knew. The last was when he discussed with me that I might live my old age alone and asked me if I have thought about it and how I planned to lead my life independently. He didn't know that I had thought about it, but I didn't know nor see it the way he made me see it, the me thirty years into the future. Then he fell ill and Corona hit and I went through one of the worst bouts of ill-health in my life. The health scare that beat my experiences with typhoid, measles and jaundice was a realization of the march of time. It made me re-evaluate my life, the way I lived, my work life, my relationships, my take on life, my battles, my failures, my success, my experiences, my strengths and my weaknesses. One big realization was that I wished I hadn't endured some things so much at the cost of my health and well being. Another was that I hadn't taken the time to learn to sing and dance through life, stringing the many beads properly and in many cases be like an eagle that can see the view from above. A big one was it brought in me the need to ensure our independence against all odds. An independence that would ensure that no one should be burdened with having to take decisions about us and for us. So started the reading, researching and our discussions on what and how and where we wanted to live.
A benchmark for what I wanted was my six months stint living with Pam at her home in the US. A cancer survivor, living alone, managing everything from plumbing, painting, travelling and doing things by herself. Yes, she had children and grand children. She spoke of having a father who was very independent and she got the traits from him. She was a working mom, brought up her children, retired and will live independently always into old age. She told me she had made her decisions like most Americans do. I did see this quality of independence in people I interacted with in the US. Family is important just as what an individual wishes and wants. It is not putting down anyone but ensuring the best for the person and their loved ones.
The reading and research led us to see the differences in laws and how difficult some things are in India. For example, a DNR option, buying and make land for a forest or park forever which no man, no government can takeover or convert - something I saw a lot in Amherst. Both of which are so difficult legally in India. The Supreme Court did pass a judgement about end of life care in 2018 telling the government to make laws but upto date no legal framework has been introduced. I remembered my sister telling about a 90 old lady who was her neighbour in the US living alone with a cat.
In India till recently old age homes were for people with no one, hospice and end of life care even today is a new development. Of course, in many cities like Bangalore, Coimbatore, Pune and Cochin, one sees many retirement homes. One also has friends, uncles and aunts whose children live abroad and choose retirement homes to live a better life with people their own age, have an active social life and make new friends with health being a central aspect. Terminally ill patients have it rough with no choice in decision making and family members torn apart in the decision making.
With more and more of the next generation living abroad as well as many who choose not to get married, be single or get married but not to have children, our laws and systems just haven't caught up. When one sees cases on behalf of terminally ill or critical health cases drag in Indian courts, one wonders what are our choices. What should India do about the archaic laws and how to introduce laws that keep up with the changing demographics ? What stopped governments for fifty years from introducing draft laws knowing the above ? What are they doing now ? With a judicial system where a case takes decades to reach judgement and a system that is to say politely, slow and against reform, what chance do people have to live their old age on their own terms with dignity and grace. How can the judicial system aid its citizens who have contributed to the growth of our country walk away gracefully into the sunset and beyond.
Hitting roadblocks, for the first time we reached out for ideas, for advise for out of the box thinking, for ways to live life independently, for ways to not be a burden on family or friends, for ways to not be a burden on the other, for ways to not be a burden on oneself. In the pursuit of independence and self reliance.
