Many a times, one hears a question : What is that one wish you would want to come true ?
My one wish.... I want Rota back.
It's for me, my happiness, my joy, for getting me back my life. It's four months and two days since he left, and I have been counting days, weeks and it has turned into months. He left a gaping hole in my heart and I feel it every morning I wake up, every night when it's time to go to sleep and every moment in between. A year of living 18+ hours of my life, happily with him cannot be filled by anything else.
First thing in the morning, I would walk to the door to see him. Same at night, just before going to sleep. Most nights, when we wake up, we would go check on him. He barks and we would go to back him up; not that he need any from us. He was bold and gutsy, protective enough to kill.
During the day, not more than half an hour could go by without looking at him, talking to him, cuddling up with him or playing with him. Sometimes, fighting with him too. His soft snore was both a comfort and lullaby. If I did not notice him, then he would get me to... a nudge, a poke, a pat with his hands, my books would be pulled down, some paper on a table taken, a coconut missing, a pen in his mouth, something. Or he would bring his bedsheet to me and rip it. Indicative of him telling me, comeon, lets have some fun. At my worst, he was with me every minute, refusing to leave even at night. There are days I have woken up, turned and looked to have him looking back at me with concern. He was never far away from me in every way.
So, today, as I live bereft of him, his touch, his smile, his naughtiness, his thoughtfulness, his care, I am just a shell of myself. Without that person who made me smile, laugh and made me beautiful, I feel a deep hole, never ending. I feel an anger with myself for all those moments I couldn't spend with him, of the times I disciplined him, of telling him 'No' when he asked for something, of not been able to take him on rides as much as he wanted, for not having done more for him and with him. I am angry with God for not giving him a life as long as a human beings. I am angry with God for taking away my son, my soul mate, my best friend.
So, if God were to grant me a wish, my wish, my one and only wish, it would be, 'Give me my Rota back forever'. I know, it is something not possible. Not because God can't. Because, what the heart wants has no rhyme or reason. For the heart wants Rota. Anyone who knew Rota would say, if God has Rota with him, there is no chance of Him parting with Rota. That was how much Rota can love you. Even if you don't return any of it.
The few pictures and videos of him is a blessing. Watching them over and over again makes me relive those moments, magical moments. After wishing every day, every week and every month for Rota to come back, now I have started wishing that I meet him just once. Yes, I have told him a thousand times that I love him and he is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Still, I would love to hold him once, kiss him, cuddle up with him and tell him that nothing, nothing on this earth can stop me from loving him, wanting him in my life and that I look forward to the day I can join him. What would I not do to see that happy trot, that glint of naughtiness in his eyes, that look of understanding. What would I not do to be hugged, to be licked.
If he knew this, he would be cross with me. Of course he knew I didn't need lessons in getting work done, in managing and taking care of myself. He knew I was a force to reckon with if situation required. In the time he was with us, he tried teaching me a few things I was not so good at - just live life, be adventurous, be happy, live in the moment, don't fret, don't be upset, just laugh, have fun and enjoy life. I am such a poor student. With him around, it was easy to learn and follow his principles. Now, every time I falter, I remember the teaching but find it difficult without him to lead and show the way to do it. He could make me let go, of many things that upset me. He is the only reason I could challenge the challenges life threw at me. For I knew, at the end of the day, all said and done, there was this one person waiting for me with open arms to love and accept me as I am. No judgment, no questions, no complaints, no hard feelings and tell me that everything is okay. He helped me be kind, see reason where there was none. Many a human being will ask me how a dog could convey all this. For that, you should have met Rota and lived with him. You would then know. Rather, meet any person who has really lived with a dog, and they will tell you.
So, I live with that one wish. To meet him, once more.
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